It all started when I moved to Oudtshoorn. For me I was running from a past I could never escape from. I thought I had silenced it until about three weeks after the big move. Then my life went from being the goody toe shoes in front of many people to the rebellious flirt in which I ran from. I thought I had silenced the demon within me but with the right people, it burst through my cover. Things slowly but surely slipped out of my grip from then on out. I was juggling my boyfriend, my dark secrets and fears just to feel normal but that never lasted. My life was churned in and out, twisted and torn apart until I was completely broken. Now I have revealed a life’s lesson no one can ignore.
Now that the introduction of this is out the way let me start with my problematic boyfriends, troubling past and hard arse friends that ditched me for my lies; which right now I find it very understandable. Let us just say my past
I was born in Pinetown, Durban on the 21st of December 2001. Exactly 21 months after I was born my perfect baby sister popped into the world. I was 2 and not caring about a thing .But the next year a hit hospital with choledochal liver cysts disease. 6 months ICU almost died. 2004 and 2005 was hell for my family. My gran got cancer, which never left her until she took her last breath.
I was a year older than my grade still am. Constantly bullied, lied too, hurt by so many people. Through my toughest moments. I was molested; sexually abused, stalked, harassed and my parents got divorced but through it, all my gran was my rock. She was my only friend I needed. From school to school, never stuck around much, I tried not to. People turned around and started hating me. I could never be the perfect someone I strived to be, I let society rule it. Why because that is how everyone sees you through the cracked, fogged glasses society created us to where in order to live his or her ‘perfect’ world.
The immature self I was who had those primary type ’boyfriends’. Where I become a flirt,a tease. I was my own self-bully. It I was like this, I got attention but it come with a price I wasn’t ready to pay and I regret it to this day. Lies got piled up and eventually I lived in my own fairy tale creating lies wherever I went. To restore who I was would be impossible.
2013 my life came crashing down on me I stopped believing in Christ and my family secrets were coming out. I wasn’t prepare to deal with it all. I turned dark, black becoming my soul my expression my life. Why because I couldn’t handle anything so I became who I felt would be ignored but it just brought more attention to me, straight a student, with hectic depression and anxiety didn’t make it easier. Why be you if you don’t know who that even is. This was the problem I was facing. OCD making me feel in control of my life but only for a while. Stress building inside me and then in 2014 my lifeline; my gran dies of cancer in September 6 days before my sisters birthday scary right not even. She died on a Friday my great gran died the Monday before. My gran died with me holding her hand pleading her to not go but she went, I had never been more hurt and depressed than that. My gran my best friend dead because of some deadly sickness no one could cure… she got me into art, writing reading and my beloved surfing and now she is gone . I never understood the harshness of reality until then. Why my gran? Why the only good person in my life.
I was lost confused and hurt and no one could help me. I couldn’t even explain what was wrong. If I did all the secrets would come out. To this day, I live with regret and hurt even more so anger. Moreover, that’s I went boy crazy, the boys gave me attention and I just got more bullied. Why? Simple I acted like trash like a whore I was desperate for manly attention. Stupid right at the time I did not know that but now I do. Unfortunately, it is too late to change it. I can name so many guys I flirted with it actually makes me feel bad. But anyway…moving on
Two years after I hit high school and boy did I become more of a faker I did not know who I was the only thing I knew I was, was someone with high grades and a clean record. That is literally all I had. So back to the dating game no one in January but end of February and I thought I met the perfect guy but I didn’t. Next guy 3 months of being an idiot and making really bad choices yet I was falling hard. Broke up when I was in too deep. Then came two guys after that. I couldn’t be alone no matter how hard I tried.
I believe everyone finds two people who mean the world to them a soul friend and soul mate. Well in the mist of being lost I went further in, thought my life would change but I took a stumbling fall. In addition, my soul sister dropped me unfortunately our boyfriends were twins, which caused more friction. A day into my final grade 8 exams I ended up in a clinic for teens and this is when my life turned completely around. I’m still a bit confused but my flaws are clearer and who I am, I discovered so now I work on myself.
9 months into my Christianity after a remarkably word was said over me. My soul mate stuck with me even though I was a mess and I didn’t know who was. We broke up so many time but we couldn’t ever stay away for a month. He accepted me but then I did the unthinkable . I ruined our relationship so I thought. He stuck with me. We didn’t even break up with me. I found my loyal, compassionate, dream guy who suites me in all ways. My strengths are his weaknesses and my weaknesses are his strengths except for the spiders and our competitiveness. Is this love, while for me it is.15 and already in love. Possible? Many won’t think so but if I do than its ok. I don’t listen to society’s yes and no’s.
He loves me and I love him shouldn’t that be good enough. Personally, it should be but society won’t let it be that way. I continue to write and draw and do my best but I’ve learnt to relax thanks to my support group.
I never really had the ideal life but personally, I do not think the ideal life society tells us is perfect for us all. Some need attention that is more emotional and others do not. Everyone is so different yet we are all the same and I have realised this at an early age. Why do we all listen to what society thinks about us who cares about the labels, we are our own person our labels should be our names. I am Princess PhD well that is how you all know me as and that is my label. I am not gothic or emo or grunge. I wear what I want to and believe in something plenty people do.
If people tell, you how to live are you really living. They say slavery ended in the 18 century but actually, it’s not true they just disguised it as the ideal things to have, be or act upon. However, why do we listen to it? Are we all afraid to be our own person? On the other hand, do you want to be the same as someone who in your eyes are beautiful or smart? Did society forget to remind us everyone is different everyone has their own abilities and talents. Are we that brain washed? Why care how you look? WE ARE ALL PERFECT don’t you see that.
I’m 15 and I am seeing the world for what it is. Everyone is different but have you thought about maybe you are the change we need. Stop being like everyone else be yourself. if u like purple hair have purple hair , if u want blue shoes that are sparkly get them, if u want to dress like a cat do it. So what, be you don’t be afraid I was but now I’m not I will wear what I want, I will write about my feelings because the peace we need in this world isn’t no wars . there’s wars because people can’t accept the differences in the world if society wants the world to be the same then do it but society will never get far because you will always get people who will stand up to it, freedom is allowing us to express our selves. However, we as people need to remember respectable kind people go far. Be determined and work hard. Keep your standards high.
Opinions matter we all need to express ourselves and if we can’t then we are not free. My sister once asked "what makes a perfect person. Which I think is sad, is society really making us doubt who we are?"
I’ve seen people in tears some even go as far as killing themselves because they are not ‘perfect’ or accepted for who they are. I was one of those people but then I asked myself this question Are we really good enough. Or is there something actually wrong with us. Have we come that blind? No one is perfect but we are. That’s what makes us yes we make mistakes but we learn from them. So why bother listening to everyone else be you.
I never understood why things happen but at the end of the day who really understands life. I mean every fact over writes and making you doubt another or am I just dreaming. Many people will say what I have been through is nothing but I am writing from what I have seen.
And what I’ve seen is scaring, I’ve seen girls who have been raped and don’t want to admit the need help. I’ve met girls who’s fathers left them and others where they were abused. Some whose parents are druggies others are thieves, some are in jail. Family that have killed themselves. I’ve see people who have had peaceful non-traumatizing lives. What do they all have in common they are all living all people who one way or another will have fulfilled a purpose, they are able to live and are doing what they love. They are human just with other stories and lessons that should be shared throughout the world and people should learn from each one of them. So why does money matter cars or those things matter yes they are amazing and luxuries but when u die no one will remember you by what you have only by how you were so be a person who matters about people and their lives. Help those in need. Be different.
My conclusion is simple and short. I am 15 I found love I have learnt many secrets and I are still learning. And until I die lessons and memories will be discovered and enjoyed, I have learnt how to survive from what I’ve experienced and learnt. If you are bullied or society’s acceptance worries you. You will learn and not let it bother. If everyone can ignore societies’ demands, we will have peace
Don’t live for society’s acceptance only yours matters.
Live for a lesson from yesterday, a better tomorrow and a promising future.